The Past Is The Past (Open)

[APOLLO ADONIS WHITE]

Apollo decided that he needed a break from all of the excitement from the circus. He started to head over to the train and look for the rec room of some sort. He saw that there were chairs and a few tables to sit at, but he decided that he was going to sit in one of the chairs that was on the floor. As soon as he sat down, he closed his eyes and breathed slowly. All day he was thinking about the past. His high school years. How much fun they were, and how much he missed his friends. Apollo wished he could go back and see them again sometimes, but you can't. What had happened in the past was then, but he had to realize that today was the future and things that happen now won't change anything that had already happened.

Now that he was thinking about all of this stuff, he couldn't help himself. He started to cry. He really didn't want to mess up his eyeliner. Guess that's what happens when you don't wear waterproof. Apollo normally didn't cry, but this moment when he sat alone, he felt like he could let it out and not have to worry about people judging him for it. He hated crying infront of people. If he ever did, he made it seem like there was something in his eye. And he was really good at hiding it if he really needed to.

Thinking about his friends made him think about his family. He still loved his family, but he is just still hurt by the fact that they don't love him like they used to anymore. They basically ignored him and only talked to him when they wanted to, or when they did, they would poke fun at him for him being gay. He just wish they understood that he hasn't changed. He is still the boy that they loved. The only thing that changed was that he loves men. Apollo really started to bawl as he started to think about this. Then it brought up thoughts about an ex, but he didn't want to think about it. They had went though so much together, and now he misses him. He tried texting him to say hi and see how he was doing, but he never replied. He must have gotten a new phone and number. So Apollo had given up on texting him a few months back.

While sitting in this rec room of sorts, he heard a noise coming from outside. Someone must be coming here to take a break too or get ready for a performance. Apollo quickly grabbed out his pocket mirror and eyeliner and wiped away the black streaks of makeup and re-did what he had had before he was crying, but there was nothing that he could do about his eyes. They were red from crying, so people will think he was either smoking pot or crying. Hopefully they won't think either. Now Apollo just waited to see who was the person that was on their way to come into the train.

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words; 522
muse; knives and pens - black veil brides
outfit; here
credits; zie @ CAUTION!
lyrics by fun.!

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[ANALIESE MARIE LOVEL]

(Hope you don't mind me jumping in!)

Analiese stood outside the big top, a little apart from the other performers waiting to go on, standing out of the line of the light spilling from the tent's flap. Inside, the crowd was cheering. They had a full house tonight. She had seen the people pouring into the tent earlier. She was set to perform tonight, but she wasn't on for a good while. The show had just started and her performance was towards the end. She felt her heart speed up as she thought about performing, the sudden, familiar tightening of her chest. It was going to be one of those nights. Damn...

She stepped away from the tent, looking towards the sky, trying to control her breathing, to calm the sudden, inexplicable pounding of her heart. Stars winked at her from the heavens. The sight of them brought a smile to her face. She immediately started distinguishing the patterns of the constellations in the stars. It was simply a habit now. Habit borne from years of watching the stars, focusing on them rather allowing herself to fall into a panic. As she moved, light sparkled off of her performance outfit, creating a mesmerizing effect. She loved this outfit. She had tested it earlier that day when rehearsing her act. She remembered how the outfit had looked under the spotlights that she would work under. Remembered the way the lights had danced with her every movement. The designer of this outfit truly was a genius.

The material clung to her, defining every curve of her body. Normally, the tight fit of her performance outfits made her feel safe. It could hold her together. It reminded her of being in the air, of spinning and flipping… the feeling of absolute freedom. Not tonight. Tonight, it felt too tight, though she knew that it wasn’t. It felt like it was trying to suffocate her. Analiese took a deep breath, resisting the urge to tear at the material, once again trying to calm herself. Behind her, she heard the roar of the crowd and turned to see some of the acrobats exiting the big top to the congratulations of other performers. She could hear the ring master, Olive, introducing the next act to applause and cheers.

She swallowed hard, thinking about all the people again. When she went on, they would be watching her every move, waiting for her to mess up. Why was she doing this? What on earth had possessed her to let herself be put in the spotlight again? Her chest seized up again, and she found herself struggling to breath. There wasn’t going to be any stopping this one. The only thing she could do was let it run its course, but not in front of the other performers. She refused to let them see. Turning around, she made her way quickly to the train, trying to hold herself together until she got there. She shoved a hand through her hair, which was hanging loose around her shoulders. She reached the train as the chills began. Her head started spinning and she leaned against the train for a long moment. She was in the full throws of the panic attack now. Her head was spinning, she was gasping for breath, and she could hear her heart pounding in her ears. Terror washed through her, terror with no real definable source. She hated this feeling, the total loss of control. She shivered, feeling the chill brought on by the attack. Closing her eyes, she sagged against the train, trying to stop the spinning in her head. She stood there for a few minutes before she heard voices getting closer. She cursed under her breath, before pushing away from the train and making her way towards the nearest compartment. Pulling open the door of the first compartment she reached, she climbed inside without looking and slid the door shut behind her. She slid to the floor. Most of the symptoms had subsided, but she still felt a little shivery and weak. She leaned her head back against the door. It was a moment before she actually looked around her and jumped. There was someone else in the compartment with her and he was watching her.

“Oh… I’m sorry. I- I didn’t realize someone was in here.” She recognized him as the new hair stylist. She’d seen him around, but hadn’t actually met him yet. Nervousness washed through her, but she didn’t give it a chance to take root. She was going to have meet this guy sometime, and no time was better than the present.